Brooklyn In The Summer, 2020
During the pandemic, I made a temporary move back to Pakistan after a decade of living in the US. Over the last decade, I’ve attended my dream college, Stanford - an eclectic academic journey that I loved. I’ve been a Software Engineer, leading large engineering projects that moved a lot of money on the internet. On paper, I earned seven figures annually at the age of 26. I’ve traveled the world, often alone, and met people from wildly different cultures. I’ve scuba dived the Great Barrier Reef, skied in Tahoe and Switzerland, surfed in Bali and Costa Rica. I’ve gone vegan, read countless books, learned meditation, built incredible relationships. I’ve had a blast, and I’m only getting started.
I don’t say this to brag; I know my success (past and future) comes from a mix of hard work, luck and privilege. I say it to illuminate this unfortunate truth: to most Pakistanis, despite everything above, the most exciting thing I can do is to get married and have children.
Most Pakistani girls live under pressure to get married and have children as soon as possible, as if that’s the formula to happiness. These milestones might be incredible, in many cases, but there is a lot more that goes into a fulfilling life. Let's expand our list of celebration-worthy milestones beyond marriage and kids.
Your first solo trip
The ability to create your own joy is intoxicating. Knowing that I, myself, can choose a destination I want to visit, book myself a trip and have a ball, all on my own time and my own dime, has given me a sense of wonder and confidence I never knew before. Traveling alone doesn’t mean being alone for the duration of the trip; there are plenty of ways to make friends organically, that is part of the joy.
Doing work that excites you
Work offers a lot more than money; it's a chance to contribute to the world and move the world in directions we'd like to. It's a way to connect with similar people and express yourself. If you're lucky, it also offers a lot of fun.
In my last job I wrote code that enabled Lyft drivers and Wag! walkers to get paid, small business owners to get loans and jumpstart their goals, and designed and built systems to move money on the internet at large. It was exhilarating.
There is nothing quite like doing exciting and fulfilling work, and doing it well. This doesn't have to be a 9-5 office job; in 2021, the passion economy is alive and well. If you have access to the internet, you don't have to leave your home to work! You can create YouTube videos, design logos on Fiverr, learn to code, publish your own writing, just to name a few. There's no shortage of work to be excited about.
Liking what you see in the mirror
Living with low self-esteem is like driving a car with the emergency brake on; it's possible, but you'll waste a lot of energy in the process. It’s worth the effort to work on our own thought patterns and purge the limiting beliefs we inevitably pick up through life.
Much of this world thrives on making women feel bad about ourselves; advertisers point out flaws we didn’t even know we had so they can sell us products to fix them, mothers feel guilty for working or for not working, childless women beyond a certain age are constantly bombarded with questions about their childlessness. In this world, it’s rebellion just to like the person you see in the mirror.
Healthy self-esteem doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but it’s very important to achieve; it’s pretty much a prerequisite for an authentic, well-lived life. Plus, there's nothing quite like joining a new gym, and when the trainer asks for your goals, you respond: "maintenance.”
Looking at your bank account and feeling pride, not anxiety
I could write a love letter to financial independence (and I might, on another day). When you’re able to provide for yourself, you can make the best decisions for yourself, wait out for a great romantic partner because you don’t have to settle out of economic necessity, and cut toxic people out from your life. You know how zillennials love cutting toxic people out of our lives.
Starting a new work venture
We celebrate pregnancies with so much gusto, you’d think kids are the only beautiful thing people produce! Our friends starting new businesses and creative projects could also benefit from the financial and emotional support we so lovingly offer would-be parents.
Moving in with your best friend
Every day is a sleepover. My four years living in San Francisco with my college best friend were really, really fun.
Having solid, honest, supportive and fun friendships with likeminded people is at least as important to overall health and happiness as having someone to raise a family with. Why don’t we, as a society, emphasize the importance of these bonds?
Living alone
It's not for everyone, but for the people it suits, living alone can be incredible. I am one of those people! I moved to New York City in January 2020 and got my own place for the first time. I was very excited to make this safe haven while I spent most of my life outside, exploring the city.
Obviously, that did not happen. When lockdowns started, there was the natural panic about how I'd fend for myself; I didn't know how to cook, and I was just getting comfortable in a new city. I went away to live with family where, despite the love, I missed my autonomy. In the end, I opted to head back to my studio apartment in Manhattan, even as the pandemic ravaged the city.
I loved it! Delivery remained open so I didn’t have to cook any more than I wanted. I’d work and meditate and listen to podcasts during my break. I’d see friends in parks over the weekends - it was still New York, and there was something special about being in the city at a time like that. I went for runs and made a workout routine for myself on my little mat. I named my Wifi Lailaland and went into my own little world while the world outside spun out of control. I’d write post-it notes with anything I liked. I made a huge life decision with very little validation from the outside world. Of course there were challenges, but overall I would live alone again in a heartbeat.
I love this podcast episode about the highs and lows of living alone.
The first time you do something your environment disagrees with
Just as we pick up language from our environment, we also pick up beliefs, habits, lifestyles. So as adults, we are living, often, with decisions that were made generations ago, if at all. It’s unlikely that the optimal decision today is the same as the optimal decision centuries ago, so the best and most authentic life for you will likely include going against the grain in some way.
This is difficult and scary! Humans are wired for conformism, even if it’s not always good for us, just as we’re wired to crave sugar; sugar and conformism used to be beneficial for survival, but this is no longer the case. Our evolutionary code leads us astray in the era of solo living, skills-based livelihood, self-expression, and donuts. Taking a stand against social expectations is a huge step for yourself and for society, for the many other people who might have wanted to make the same decision but were scared to be the first. If you’ve hit this milestone recently, congratulations!
A beautiful relationship with someone who treats you well
Not every marriage includes this.
An enjoyable sex life
Not every marriage includes this.
Leaving a relationship
Of course if you enter a marriage, the hope is that it goes really well. But if you find that the relationship isn't good for you, the best thing you can do is to leave. Not to lower your standards, not to "endure," not to write off all men or all women as "the same." Just leave. Study after study confirms that while being in a great marriage is ideal, you'll be happier single than in a bad marriage. If you recently left a relationship, congrats! You're probably on track to better happiness than if you stayed.
There's no shortage of worthwhile experiences in this world, and marriage and kids are just two of them. In Pakistan, we too often consider success to equal being married, having kids and financial security through the husband. It's not that simple. You could be in a terrible marriage. Your health may not allow you to have kids. You may have a great marriage but be bored if there's nothing else to look forward to in the day.
Let's normalize wanting more from our lives than this old formula.
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I love this point: "The first time you do something your environment disagrees with" - as a woman who grew up in a collectivistic society, I *totally* get why this is cause for a giant celebration!
You took the bull by the horns!
you rock!!